General guidance 2

Before you go before the judge, your barristers (or you directly, with your Mckenzie friend, if you are representing yourself), will be urged to try to reach an interim agreement that the judge can approve as a “consent order”. The judge would then set a date for a further hearing (known as a directions hearing or pre-trial review) where progress will be assessed and directions laid out for the rest of the procedure, including requirements for statements from each party. The judge normally orders a CAFCASS report by a set date.

If you are representing yourself and plan on bringing a McKenzie Friend, you should write to the court before the hearing to let them know. You should send a copy to the mother’s solicitors as well. This can avoid objections on the day to the McKenzie attending. The other side sometimes objects on principle although such objections are rarely upheld nowadays.

It is generally very helpful to submit a day or two before a hearing a very brief (one or two page) statement of issues to the court and the mother to set out in a clear and concise manner for the judge, Cafcass and mother exactly what you want so all can get an overview, with minimum amount of elaboration on the day. The statement need only set out in a page or so what it is you want, where there is disagreement and agreement, etc., rather than seek to present evidence at this stage in proceedings. Avoid being contentious, if at all possible. You should also attach a draft defined contact order, setting out in precise terms the arrangements you seek for contact to work, including times and covering any logistical issues.

The more you provide for and get agreement to, the less need you will have to return to court so it is important to try to identify all your likely needs and requirements from the start, even if you are unlikely to secure them all.

The aim is for the statement and draft contact order to form the basis of any negotiations on the day, prevent the other side from 'taking over' your application and increase the prospect of you walking away with some form of order by consent. Bring hard copies of both with you on the day to give to the mother’s side and the judge. Timing is important as if you submit this too early, the ‘other side’ may submit their own which would be an unhelpful distraction. But they should also have it from the start of the conciliation appointment, or shortly beforehand.

If you can agree on an interim contact regime, that is better for you and your children. However, most fathers going in to a conciliation appointment have little or no contact with their children – that is usually why they are there. The mother’s representatives will typically put pressure on the father by offering some minor concession, and the father is essentially asked to hope for something better later down the road. There is therefore a good tactical case for asking for all you want and more than you hope to get as you will likely have to make concessions anyway (it can be useful to allow ‘other side to think they have ‘won’ something) and will get more than you might otherwise secure with such an approach. On the other hand, there is always the chance that you might get much of what you ask for which may obviate the need to return to court for some time.

Never lose your temper, raise your voice or rant, but stay child focused at all times and quietly and firmly insist on your position. You must use your judgment about what to accept or not and where to concede on what you want. The most important thing is to aim to come away with more than you had so that a pattern of regular contact can be established and built upon in later hearings.

Unfortunately, mothers’ representatives will often bring up allegations of abuse or other unreasonable behaviour in these proceedings, to unsettle the father and gain negotiating advantage. You must avoid getting sidetracked by insisting the issue at hand is your contact with your children. Never lose your cool.

If you don't agree something before going into the courtroom, the judge may try to hammer out a "consent order" between you. Too often they will do this by bullying the father, so be very careful. If you have a barrister, always remember he or she has a long-term interest in looking "reasonable" before the judge, so will be urging you to compromise. If what you are being asked to do is unreasonable, don't consent, even if it is presented as only temporary. It is amazing how these people can later use your own consent against you. If the judge orders something without your consent (that would be unusual but not unheard of), make sure the order is not called a "consent order."